Recognising Domestic Abuse

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, and violent behaviour, including sexual violence. In the majority of cases domestic abuse is perpetrated by a partner or ex-partner, but this can also be a family member or carer.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to:

• Coercive control – a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation, and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence
• Psychological and emotional abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Financial and economic abuse
• Harassment and stalking
• Online or digital abuse

Recognising domestic abuse

Every situation of domestic abuse is unique, but there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship

Domestic abuse includes:

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting, mocking accusing, name calling, verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the phone and internet, taking away or destroying your belongings, taking the car away, taking or threatening to take your children, threatening to report you to the police, social services, or mental health teams, threatening or attempting self-harm or suicide, withholding medication or pressuring you to use drugs/other substances, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from you without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your phone calls, emails, and/or social media accounts, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and family, shutting you in the house
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, not allowing you any privacy (checking your phone, post, etc.)., repeatedly checking to see who you are talking to, embarrassing you in public, accompanying you everywhere you go
• Threats: making angry gestures, using their physical size to intimidate you, shouting at you, punching walls, wielding a knife or other weapon, threatening to kill or harm you and your children or family members, threatening to kill or harm family pets, threats of suicide.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don’t want it, forcing you to look at pornographic material, constant pressure and harassment into having sex when you don’t want to, forcing you to have sex with other people, degrading treatment related to your sexuality
• Physical violence: Punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling, pinning you down, holding you by the neck, restraining you
• Denial: Saying the abuse doesn’t happen, saying you caused the abuse, saying you wind him up, saying he can’t control his anger, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again
• Coercive control: a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence
• Psychological and/or emotional abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Financial or economic abuse
• Online or digital abuse

Myths about domestic abuse

There are many myths about domestic abuse, who it can happen to, and it’s causes. We work to challenge these widely believed and deep-rooted misconceptions.

1. Alcohol and drugs make men more violent

Although alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, or be a catalyst for an attack, they do not cause domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner. Alcohol and drug use should never be used to excuse violent or controlling behaviour. 

2. If it was that bad, she’d leave

It can be very difficult for someone to leave an abusive partner, even if they want to. Women remain in abusive relationships for many different reasons; a woman may still be in love with her partner and believe him when he says he is sorry and it won’t happen again, she may be frightened for her life or for the safety of her children if she leaves, she may have no where safe to go or may not know where to get support, she may have no financial independence. 

3. Domestic abuse always involves physical violence

Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence. Domestic abuse can be a pattern of incidents of coercive control, psychological and emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, harassment, stalking, and/or online and digital abuse. 

4. He can be a good father even if he abuses his partner – the parent’s relationship doesn’t have to affect the children 

90% of children whose parents are abused witness the abuse. The effects of experiencing domestic abuse are traumatic and long-lasting. When a child witnesses domestic abuse, this is child abuse. Between 40-70% are also direct victims of domestic abuse happening within their homes. 

5. She provoked him

Abuse or violence of any kind if never the victim’s fault. Responsibility lies with the perpetrator. 

Any reference to ‘provocation’ means that we are blaming the woman and relieving the abuser of responsibility for his actions. 

6. Women are just as abusive as men

In the majority of cases, domestic abuse is experienced by women and perpetrated by men. A women is killed by her male partner or former partner every four days in England and Wales. In the year ending March 2019, the majority of defendants in domestic abuse-related prosecutions were men (92%0 and the majority of victims were female (75%).  Domestic abuse is a gendered crime which is deeply rooted in the societal inequality between women and men. 

Domestic abuse is part of the wider spectrum of violence against women and girls (VAWG), which also includes family violence such as forced marriage, honour-based abuse, and female genital mutilation. 

7. Men who abuse their partners saw their fathers abuse their mothers

Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout our society, because of this many people have grown up witnessing domestic abuse. Most of these people will never perpetrate domestic abuse in their own relationships, so it is never an excuse.

8. Domestic abuse isn’t that common

Domestic abuse has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime, and on average the police received over 100 emergency calls relating to domestic abuse every hour. 

An estimate 1 in 5 adults have experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16.

9. All couples argue – it’s not domestic abuse, it’s just a normal relationship 

Abuse and disagreement are not the same things. Different opinions are completing normal and acceptable in healthy relationships. Abuse is the use of physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological violence or threats in order to control another person’s thinking, opinions, emotions and behaviour. Abuse often includes the fear of saying or doing the ‘wrong thing’.